The First One

"My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.” -Chelsea Handler

When I was 15, penises were the scariest things I had ever even considered looking at. They’re threatening, and hard, and covered in veins and gross little hairs. While I agree that Vagina’s aren’t necessarily the prettiest parts of the human body, they don’t protrude from our clothing. As women, we at least have the decency to control our genitals. 

The first time I ever gave a blow job, I thought I had that shit under control. I attacked this poor guy’s penis with the fervor of a child who had finally bought a popsicle from the ice cream truck they’d been chasing for blocks. I was that sweaty too.

It all started with Chris Lampley. Although I later made jokes with my friends that his happy trail was more like a “happy forest”, I think this interaction with my hairy, bearded, man-friend, quite possibly set the tone for the rest of my romantic/sexual life.

Chris was best friends with my best friends boyfriend. They were bored, and I had boobs. It was the perfect combination. While my friend and her boyfriend were upstairs, Chris and I were in her living room watching a documentary on railroad construction. He said “So, what do you want to do?” and I literally jumped out of my skin. I think we both knew what was up, and I told him we should go upstairs to my friend’s brothers room.

Before I go any further, I should warn you that this particular friend of mine was my preacher’s daughter. Yes…the first blowjob I ever gave was in my preacher’s son’s bed. This day also probably set the tone for the rest of my spiritual life as well.

Now that I think about it, I don’t think Chris and I even kissed before I went to work. He laid down on the bed and I unzipped his jeans and started to town. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, so I tried bobbing up and down for a while, but accidentally grazed his precious penis with my teeth a few times. 

For about 20 minutes, I licked, sucked, and tried to fit his entire penis in my mouth. But I never touched that son of a bitch with my hands. Although I don’t have a bad gag reflex- I found it’s hard to breathe with a dick in the back of your throat. I know now that what happened next wasn’t him cumming, but was simply an early release of pre-cum. However, with little to no knowledge, and an aching jaw, I called it a day.

All in all, it was the most awkward time I’ve ever spent with a man. We went back downstairs to join our friends and giggled to ourselves at the mistakes we’d obviously just made. Chris and I drifted apart after that, which wasn’t a surprise to anybody. And I made the mistake of telling all of my 9th grade friends what a grown-up thing I had just done. Boys started looking at me differently, and well….the rest is history.

I’m going to admit my BJ number, not to shock or amaze you, but in order to educate the masses. 80. That’s just the number of people, not the number of blowjobs. 

A few simple rules for myself:

  • Every few days, I’ll try to post 1 or more stories.
  • Each post will end with a blow job tip.
  • Honesty is the best policy. I’ll try to be as descriptive and straightforward as possible.

Tip #1: Enthusiasm, Enthusiasm, Enthusiasm!